To read Lenah's story from the beginning, just go to the side bar under blog archive and start reading from May 2013.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

July 17, 2014

  There really isn't much to tell yet about the baby.  My first two prenatal appointments were good.  My blood pressure is good. The baby's heart rate was 150 at my first appointment and 144 at the second.  August the 12th, I have an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine specialist.  They will be taking a very close look at the baby at that time.  I'm sure we will also find out the gender of the baby.
   We are currently in the Houston area to celebrate Sarah's 4th birthday.  We plan to take her to Chuck E. Cheese's and the Palm Beach at Moody Gardens.  Everyone is very excited.  Our nieces are visiting us to celebrate Sarah's birthday.  They are 3 and almost 5 years old.  Sarah has had some moments of jealousy.  She is not used to having to share her toys so much.  Overall, though, they have gotten along really well and are enjoying each other's company.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Good News

I have shared our good news with my friends on Facebook, but I know there are some friends and family that do not use Facebook.  We are expecting a sweet new family member sometime around December 26th - my 40th birthday.  This was VERY unexpected. I was in literal shock when I saw that second blue line. I cried for quite a while and felt terrified.  I  now have peace about this new life and I refuse to walk in fear. The Lord is faithful and He created this life. He will lead us through whatever may come just as he has so gently led us in the past. I plan to call this week to schedule a doctor appointment. I would not at all be surprised to find twins this time around as my pregnancy symptoms are very strong.  We appreciate any and all prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day 2014

 I almost made it through Mother's Day without crying. Almost.  We had a nice day together as a family. James took us for an early dinner at a very nice Cajun Seafood restaurant.  He left from there to drive back to Houston to get ready for his work week.  As I was driving back to the the Lakehouse it hit me. My first Mother's Day without Lenah. We miss her so much. Sarah still talks about her almost every day.  I know the others think about her as often, they just don't say anything because they don't want to make anyone else cry.  I don't cry every day anymore. I am down to about two out of every three.

Please don't think I walk around under a cloud. I don't.  We are actually getting along very well as a family right now.  Homeschooling is going well. We have had a lot of nice adventures recently. Last week we saw a theatre production about Laura Ingalls Wilder at our local college.  We all enjoyed it.  This we we plan to visit our local farmer's market.  We also plan to try our hands at trout fishing. I have never fished for trout before. Feel free to share any trout fishing pointers you have in the comments below.

I hope all you mothers out there had a wonderful Mother's Day!

May 6, 2014

  The weather here has been just beautiful. Here is the view out my window.
We don't have internet service at the Lakehouse so I must go to the library or some other place to make posts or check e-mail. If you make a comment or send me a message, it might take me some time to reply.

I wish I had some before pictures of the inside of our living room. But here are the after pics.

 The Lakehouse is not yet purple, but will be soon enough. Anyone who knows me well knows that I love the color purple. I have always wanted to live in a purple house. And now we shall. We are adding a kitchen and dining room and turning the old kitchen into a larger bathroom and dressing room.
Here is a simple rendering of the current layout in blue and new addition in pink.


There are also lofts at both ends above the current kitchen/dining/bathroom area. They are the sleeping areas for the children.

We have had some difficulty confirming the mailing address here at the Lakehouse. Six or seven years ago we had some friends living here and they obtained an address from the county's 911 addressing service, but they didn't really use the address as they had a PO box in town. They were unsure of the address that was given. I have called the county's 911 addressing person 3 times and was sent to voice mail. I left a message the first time I called last week and no one has returned my call. I just decided to put the address that our friends believed to be the address that was given on our mailbox and go with that. Things are very different in rural areas than they were in the Houston area., I am finding more and more. I am debating about whether I should get a PO Box in town as well. I will have to mail some test mail to myself and see if it actually makes it's way here.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Lenah's Headstone

This weekend marked two months since Lenah passed away. I ordered her headstone today.  I am  missing her so much.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

One Month Update

Wednesday marked one month since Lenah's passing. Goodness, how I miss her.

The first week she was gone seemed like a month or more. Time seems to be running at “normal” speed now.

Last Friday was an emotional day for me. I had been to visit Lenah's grave (with my dear friend Sallie) only once since her burial. We pass by every time we leave the farm to go to town, but I had not actually walked out into the cemetery. Friday afternoon I decided to walk out to visit her grave. On the way there I was pre-reading a book that I plan read aloud to my children, and a new character named Lena was introduced. (I was on the second or third book in the series.) The character goes on to become the children's aunt. There aren't so many Lenas in children's books. Then, I stopped to check the mailbox before I crossed the road to the cemetery. Inside, there was a letter from the children of the family that were also present at Lenah's burial. I sat on one of the sawed sections of a large tree that my father had cut when he cleared the land and later placed around Lenah's grave and I opened the letter.

This was inside:

I knew that all of this was not just some coincidence. I know that Lenah looks forward to seeing us again.

We are still staying at my parents farmhouse for the time being. Our being here has been so timely for so many reasons. James has been having to teach night classes as two of his instructors each had personal situations to attend to . James has not has to teach night classes for about seven years. It has worked out very well for us to be here in the country. James will also be able to pay off large amount of our personal debt which is a blessing as well. Sometimes I am just so surprised by the providence of God. I probably shouldn't be, but I am. I had been praying about whether we were to stay here or go back to Houston. I am now quite sure that at least for the time being, we are supposed to be here. If we had gone back to Houston we would have missed this:

 Those of you that live further north are probably yawning right now, but for my Texas Gulfcoast kiddos this was a cause for great excitement.  They loved playing in the snow.  Everybody got some kind of mild congestion/cough thing afterwards but that was probably really from our trip to town last week.  We also now have a fully stocked freezer full of snowballs waiting for the stifling heat of July or August.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The League of Bereaved Mothers

 One week ago today, I joined a special sisterhood.  A certain sorority in which I never sought membership – The League of Bereaved Mothers. Membership is exclusive and the dues are very costly. We hold our induction ceremonies in a variety of locations: hospital rooms, on busy roadways, poolside, in farm fields, really anywhere a mother might find her child. Or anywhere a mother might NOT want to find her child. I know there are those of you that have been members much longer than I have. Please feel free to share any pearls of wisdom you have found along the way. Those of you that are not members, I pray you never find yourself inducted.

We don't have lapel pins or t-shirts with Greek letters. Instead, you might identify us by the lines of grief around our eyes or that tear you see in the corner of our eye as we watch you with your child that reminds us of the one we lost.

We might like to share information about our club with you, but we fear that look in your eye. The look people get when the crazy lady who lost a child starts to talk about that child. About that journey. About that loss.

We're really not trying to recruit you.

I promise.

And if one of our members starts to tell you about her membership, probably the best thing you can respond to them with is “I'm so sorry”.

You see, we hate this club. We'd all like to revoke our membership. We'd all like to mail our member's card back and demand a refund. But that's just not possible. Membership is for a lifetime, irrevocable, and non-refundable.

For those that are willing, membership can have benefits. You can learn to love others better, especially any other children you have. You can enjoy the life you currently have better than you did before. For our members, other possible traumas in life seem to pale by comparison and that can be very freeing.

 My own induction a week ago seems more like it was a month ago- or two.  I have not felt as I imagined I would.  I thought I would be groaning and wailing.  I thought I would cry until I had no tears left.  I have cried, but not an unending, hopeless wailing.  I grieved so much from the time of Lenah's initial diagnosis and with each subsequent negative diagnosis that I think I may have used up a lot of my grief (if that's possible) even before she was actually gone. It is more probable that the Lord has just been very gracious to me and has supernaturally comforted me in a way that has made this time much more bearable.

 The most difficult thing for me this past week has been to have to answer Sarah's questioning every day.

 "Where's Weenah".

"Do you remember ? Lenah's body was very sick and it stopped working.  Do you remember? She stopped breathing and she died and her body turned cold. Do you remember?  We put her body in that box and put it in the ground."

"Oh yeah, Weenah's dead. "

Sometimes she cries and sometimes she doesn't.  Sometimes she forgets again in the same day and asks if we are going to see Lenah at the "hoffital".  Sometimes I wish I could forget as she does.