To read Lenah's story from the beginning, just go to the side bar under blog archive and start reading from May 2013.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

One Month Update

Wednesday marked one month since Lenah's passing. Goodness, how I miss her.

The first week she was gone seemed like a month or more. Time seems to be running at “normal” speed now.

Last Friday was an emotional day for me. I had been to visit Lenah's grave (with my dear friend Sallie) only once since her burial. We pass by every time we leave the farm to go to town, but I had not actually walked out into the cemetery. Friday afternoon I decided to walk out to visit her grave. On the way there I was pre-reading a book that I plan read aloud to my children, and a new character named Lena was introduced. (I was on the second or third book in the series.) The character goes on to become the children's aunt. There aren't so many Lenas in children's books. Then, I stopped to check the mailbox before I crossed the road to the cemetery. Inside, there was a letter from the children of the family that were also present at Lenah's burial. I sat on one of the sawed sections of a large tree that my father had cut when he cleared the land and later placed around Lenah's grave and I opened the letter.

This was inside:

I knew that all of this was not just some coincidence. I know that Lenah looks forward to seeing us again.

We are still staying at my parents farmhouse for the time being. Our being here has been so timely for so many reasons. James has been having to teach night classes as two of his instructors each had personal situations to attend. James has not has to teach night classes for about seven years. It has worked out very well for us to be here in the country. James will also be able to pay off large amount of our personal debt which is a blessing as well. Sometimes I am just so surprised by the providence of God. I probably shouldn't be, but I am. I had been praying about whether we were to stay here or go back to Houston. I am now quite sure that at least for the time being, we are supposed to be here. If we had gone back to Houston we would have missed this:

 Those of you that live further north are probably yawning right now, but for my Texas Gulfcoast kiddos this was a cause for great excitement.  They loved playing in the snow.  Everybody got some kind of mild congestion/cough thing afterwards but that was probably really from our trip to town last week.  We also now have a fully stocked freezer full of snowballs waiting for the stifling heat of July or August.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The League of Bereaved Mothers

 One week ago today, I joined a special sisterhood.  A certain sorority in which I never sought membership – The League of Bereaved Mothers. Membership is exclusive and the dues are very costly. We hold our induction ceremonies in a variety of locations: hospital rooms, on busy roadways, poolside, in farm fields, really anywhere a mother might find her child. Or anywhere a mother might NOT want to find her child. I know there are those of you that have been members much longer than I have. Please feel free to share any pearls of wisdom you have found along the way. Those of you that are not members, I pray you never find yourself inducted.

We don't have lapel pins or t-shirts with Greek letters. Instead, you might identify us by the lines of grief around our eyes or that tear you see in the corner of our eye as we watch you with your child that reminds us of the one we lost.

We might like to share information about our club with you, but we fear that look in your eye. The look people get when the crazy lady who lost a child starts to talk about that child. About that journey. About that loss.

We're really not trying to recruit you.

I promise.

And if one of our members starts to tell you about her membership, probably the best thing you can respond to them with is “I'm so sorry”.

You see, we hate this club. We'd all like to revoke our membership. We'd all like to mail our member's card back and demand a refund. But that's just not possible. Membership is for a lifetime, irrevocable, and non-refundable.

For those that are willing, membership can have benefits. You can learn to love others better, especially any other children you have. You can enjoy the life you currently have better than you did before. For our members, other possible traumas in life seem to pale by comparison and that can be very freeing.

 My own induction a week ago seems more like it was a month ago- or two.  I have not felt as I imagined I would.  I thought I would be groaning and wailing.  I thought I would cry until I had no tears left.  I have cried, but not an unending, hopeless wailing.  I grieved so much from the time of Lenah's initial diagnosis and with each subsequent negative diagnosis that I think I may have used up a lot of my grief (if that's possible) even before she was actually gone. It is more probable that the Lord has just been very gracious to me and has supernaturally comforted me in a way that has made this time much more bearable.

 The most difficult thing for me this past week has been to have to answer Sarah's questioning every day.

 "Where's Weenah".

"Do you remember ? Lenah's body was very sick and it stopped working.  Do you remember? She stopped breathing and she died and her body turned cold. Do you remember?  We put her body in that box and put it in the ground."

"Oh yeah, Weenah's dead. "

Sometimes she cries and sometimes she doesn't.  Sometimes she forgets again in the same day and asks if we are going to see Lenah at the "hoffital".  Sometimes I wish I could forget as she does.


New Year's morning I was praying and asking the Lord what my word for the year was and I heard and felt "restore". I thought at first that I might have just been hoping that would be my word for the the year. But then just a few minutes later, this post showed up from my friend Lori on facebook. I knew immediately that it was confirmation from the Lord. I am sharing it here, because I think there may be others that the Lord is whispering this to as well.

Last year's word was "Love". The Lord showed his love to us so clearly over the tragedy and trial of the last year with Lenah. I also believe He helped me to love my family better. I certainly am more in love with my husband after this past year.

This is the post I read:

I hear Him whisper...

"I will restore you. Do not be afraid to follow Me into the unknown, for I am the one who leads you on and restores your life. I have placed within you My glorious treasure, and I care for you. This year will be a year of restoration in your life. You will end this year restored in My love, strengthened in My grace, and surrounded with songs of joy. And your joy will be shared by angels, for they are with you My child, they walk beside you guarding your life and preparing the way.

"I will restore you. Never limit Me. I will restore your family and those you love, they will see Me in your life and know that I am the One who gives back to you what has been lost. Don't doubt My grace that is enough for you and for your family.

"I say to you, I will restore you and provide for you in ways that will reveal My heart of love. My mercy brings gifts and surprises and supplies all that you need. There will always be provision for your needs, and in My mercy I will reveal where you can find Me, for this will be the season of abundant supply for every need you have.

"I will restore your mind and your heart as you come before Me. Crooked things will be made straight within you. For everything I do for you I do inside your heart, healing your spirit and soothing your soul. Come and find My heart and I will restore your heart. Greater passions will rise within you to feast upon My Word and drink of My Spirit. The hunger I give you will bring you deeper into My grace and My love for you.

"I will restore you and your dreams. Those desires within you for completion and to touch the lives of others, I will fulfill. Promises made are promises kept. As I speak deep within you and in the whispers of the night I will watch over every Word I speak to you and it will be fulfilled. This day begins a new season of dreams fulfilled. You will laugh with joy when your son of promise, "Isaac" is born. You will see that My ways are perfect and timing exquisite. I will keep My Word and watch over and nurture those dreams that I have placed within you until their fulfillment arrives.

"I will restore you, trust Me as I take your forward, for I am your Father."

Then He led me to these verses for you, my friend:

"But let them all be glad,
Those who turn aside to hide themselves in You.
May they keep shouting for joy forever!
Overshadow them in Your presence
As they sing and rejoice,
Then every lover of Your Name
Will burst forth with endless joy.
Lord, how wonderfully You bless the righteous.
Your favor wraps around each one and
Covers them
Under Your canopy of kindness and joy.

Psalm 5:11-12 TPT