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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

September 10, 2014

Yesterday was my second born's birthday. She is ten.

Today is my niece's birthday. She is five.

In two days it will be Lenah's birthday. She is in heaven.

I will grieve.


And Ruby.

Four days after Lenah's birthday I will begin marking time for Ruby. One month since her...birth, death, I'm not really sure what to call that day. She wasn't really born and I don't really know the day she died.

I'd like to avoid the calendar. But I can't. There's always some appointment to attend. Some birthday to celebrate.  Some event to observe.  I have to check the calendar.  I'd be in trouble if I didn't.  But some days I'd sure like to avoid the reinforcement of the grief that I feel every moment that is not occupied by some other activity, or distraction, or sleep.

I wonder if everyday is like your birthday in heaven.  Our observance of one trip around our sun on the subsequent years since our birth seems a bit... I don't know, arbitrary,  mundane, insignificant,
when compared to Lenah and Ruby's daily trip around the Son.

Do grieving mother's ever stop keeping time? Do they ever stop counting the days, the weeks, the months, the years since the loss?

I guess time will tell.

4 comments:

  1. not sure if we ever stop noticing dates but the time comes when we remember them with a sweet smile instead of heartache, love you!

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  2. When our daughter died, I struggled with time because she was back there, behind me, in time. I felt like I was continually being forced to move away from her - like being on a ride you can't get off. The sun keeps on rising and the days keep coming and it can be cruel. It really weighed on me because I felt I was losing her a little more every day. When at my lowest, when I could bare no more, I heard a song on the radio called Beyond the Blue. You can hear it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IzXg6CuR2w This song woke me up and I realised that she was not behind me but in front of me. I had been so afraid of time, as though it were stealing her from me more when in fact, it was bringing me closer to her. When I came to accept that, it made the calendar a friend. You will always remember the special dates just as you do for all your children, but by thinking of yourself moving forward to her, it helps make those milestones more joyful because you focus on what is ahead, and that sweet moment you will meet again. Lenah is not behind you, she is front of you. Everyone grieves differently, but for me, thinking of our daughter in front of me instead of behind me was the turning point in my grief. God Bless you Edie and all your family.

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  3. I truly think grieving is a part of living. We have to grieve to be able to put that pain behind us. But it is up to our heart how long it goes on. I lost triplets when I was 16. I am 53 now. I have a 32 year old son now. And every so often something will come into my head about when or how God chose to give them to us for such a short time then to take them back. And to think Sweet Lena was taken back to our great Creator because he felt she was not complete enough to make it here without suffering. Then sweet baby Ruby never got the chance to suffer before she was gone. Hope your other children had great days on their day of birth. Your in my prayers.

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