Most days, I cry at the hospital.
Sometimes, when it is time for me to leave home to go to the hospital, I wish I didn't have to go.
But always, when it is time for me to leave her, I don't want to go.
I wonder if there is some particular order in which I need to say my words of prayers so that God will hear and answer.
Or maybe I'm just not asking often enough.
I wonder if I should be fasting.
Should I ask all of you to fast?
Should I make bold declarations and and claim she is healed despite the evidence before me?
I want her to be healed.
She is really wonderful and if the Lord wants her home sooner than later, I understand.
I've been thinking about Lazarus lately. Jesus raised him from the dead. The VERY dead. The rotting, stinking, decaying dead. I can never know all the reasons of exactly why Jesus raised him from the dead. The Bible says that He did it "for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” I think He did it to show His authority and power over death and to fulfill the will of the Father. I suppose He did it for Mary and Martha. He also did it so people would see and believe. But I wonder how much it was for Lazarus. I wonder if Lazarus would have preferred to be where he was or if he was happy to be alive again. It also says that Jesus was anguished and cried. I'm not sure if He was crying because Lazarus had died or because He had to bring him back. You see, as much as I wish Jesus would heal Lenah so that others could see and believe.....and as much as I wish He would heal her for us...and of course that He would be glorified.... how much of it would be for her. If He heals her liver so that we have her for more than a year, yet her heart is still compromised, how difficult will her life be? I know that He is healing or has healed her NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis). Her tummy is down to 34-35 cm (It had gotten up to 38.5 cm) and she has had normal poopies today. Our doctors were convinced that she would not likely survive the week when she first got sick on October 1st. I guess part of me believes that if it were His will for her to be completely and miraculously healed, He would have done it while she was in utero. Do I believe that He could miraculously heal and regenerate all of her internal organs? Absolutely, yes! Do I believe it is His plan and will serve His purposes to heal her? I believe it certainly could be, but I don't presume to know His will in this current situation. I am content that however the next days and months go, His will will be done.
You should know that even if Lenah dies tonight, God has accomplished amazing things. If it weren't for Him sustaining me, I would be curled up in my bed refusing to come out. He has provided wonderful people to help support and sustain us during this time. He has touched all of you reading and praying for us. He has used this situation to show me things about myself that I likely would not have seen any other way. We have met amazing people that otherwise we would never have met. Do I wish He could have done these things some other way? Oh, yes! But I would say that about most of the painful lessons I have learned in life. Sanctification and transformation are often painful. At least in my experience they have been.
There are those that would say "How can you believe in and worship a God who would allow this to happen to your baby?" How can I, the created, presume to know the whole story of the Creator. All great stories have some components of suffering or tragedy. All great stories have conflict and resolution. Just because it seems we can't see how all this suffering- this conflict will be resolved, doesn't mean that it won't or that it is all for nothing. Ultimately, I know that it will all have a final resolution. Our Creator will finish this story with an amazing and triumphant ending. Our myopic view prevents us from seeing our suffering in view of eternity. Our selfish, self-focused natural tendencies keep us from being able to look outside our personal circumstances. But I know with utmost certainty that He is writing a beautiful, glorious, epic story. I pray that He will continue to remind me of this.
From Suffering to Glory Romans 8:18-39 NKJV18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; 21 because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. 23 Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. 24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.
26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us[b] with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”[c]
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”[c]
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Today Lenah is 40 days old. She has had a good day today. She had two normal looking poopy diapers. Thanking God for poopy diapers may seem strange to some, but this is a pretty big deal. Her belly measurements have also gone down to 34-35 cm. They had gotten up to 38.5 cm She has been weaned again on her ventilator and they are talking about trying to get her off of it again in a couple of days. That is kind of a scary proposition as she did not tolerate extubation very well the last time. I am hoping and praying that she tolerates it better the next time. She had her arterial line removed from her arm because it was leaking. Hopefully, they won't need to put in another one for a while. They also stopped her pain medication today. Her potassium was low, so they gave her a dose of potassium.
She was smiling in her sleep today. I almost caught it here.
Thank you for sharing in our journey and thank you for praying for Lenah.