" She is so strong and beautiful and sweet. It is just such a waste for this to happen."
Then the next moment I heard - in my thoughts:
"Nothing is wasted"
And I remembered this song:
When I got home tonight, I watched it with James. The lyrics are:
The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
(chorus)
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again
(chorus)
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
(Bridge)
When hope is more than you can bear
And it's too hard to believe it could be true
And your strength fails you halfway there
You can lean on me and I'll believe for you
And in time you will believe it too
(chorus)
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
Sometimes we are waiting
In sorrow we have tasted
But joy will replace it
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
Yesterday, I kept thinking to myself. Hope is dangerous. When I hope, I set myself up for disappointment. And the pain seems so much greater when you have allowed yourself to hope.
Seems.
The pain seems greater.
I think that is a lie.
I will refuse to refuse hope.
If I had refused to hope, the pain would have been the same, I would have just felt more justified in my hopelessness and disbelief.
I will hope.
It is pride that fears hope. If I hope, and then that which I desire does not appear or transpire- I think I'll look like a fool.
That is where the refusal of hope is born, it is birthed out of fear and pride.
I will no longer gestate the refusal of hope.
I will hope.
If the desire of my heart, the cry of my heart, seems to fail to materialize- I WILL still hope. And pray.
AND realize that even if the objects or events I hope for are not seen here and now...
I have an eternal hope.
And our Lenah will share in that eternal hope. Of that, I am certain.
Blessed assurance.
Romans 5: 1-5
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Lenah's Nana, my mother, was able to hold Lenah today.
She is still on the ventilator. Our doctors have assured us that they will do everything possible to make our time with Lenah as enjoyable for her and for us as possible. Lenah was very content to be held. She was completely relaxed in Nana's arms.
She did not have to have her intestines resectioned during her surgery.She just had some adhesions repaired. They opted to not put in a feeding tube because if the liver biopsy shows cirrhosis that is not very advanced and they decided to do the Kasai procedure, the opening where the g-tube come out would add risk of complications. She was started on a very small amount of continuous feeding of breast milk this evening. She is still receiving IV feeding as well. We hope her intestines tolerate her feedings. She will feel better if she is able to eat.
We will find out tomorrow how progressed the fibrosis of her liver is.
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